Thursday, December 9, 2010

A Faithful Re-Creation of Events that Happened

(I apologize ahead of time, I've been replaying the Mass Effect series)

Like any real dork, I'm pretty pumped about the fact that, just yesterday, SpaceX launched and landed their Dragon capsule after a couple orbits of the Earth, making them the first private company to ever accomplish such a feat. I'm pretty sure privatization is the way to go in the field of space exploration, and it's only a matter of time before we're beyond the Termination Shock (honestly, this is probably one of the few times in my life I'll get to type Termination Shock with any sort of relevance to anything, extra pleased about that), fighting demons materializing out of unearthed (unmarsed?) teleporters, and fighting queen aliens in sweet power loaders.

Hopefully next Wednesday

In celebration, I'm reenacting what I can only imagine as being some sort of last minute briefing with the pilot of the SpaceX Dragon, a pilot I will for confidentiality purposes call Commander Shepard (neverminding that the flight was in fact unmanned).

Accuracy, post-jump.

Elon Musk, awesome-named CEO of SpaceX: Commander Shepard! This is the big day? Ready to pull some serious Gs up there? Ha ha.

Musk: The Dapper Chronicles

Commander Shepard: You're trying to make me laugh. You think I'm here to amuse you. To make funny sputtering noises when you offer an insult instead of a reward.

Elon Musk: Uh, what? No, you know you're getting paid and I was just...I dunno, it's just a lot of Gs, right? I mean...spaceflight and all that.

Commander Shepard: If you don't stop nagging, I'll turn this ship around and drop your ass back in that volcano.

Do I look like you're not going into a volcano?

Elon Musk: I didn't mean to...that is to say I'm not...

Elon Musk, looking incredibly confused despite his incredible wealth, glances around nervously.

Elon Musk: There are no volcanoes in Florida.

Commander Shepard: Nothing is ever simple, is it?

The Musket shakes his head grimly. If he wasn't so high-class, you could easily imagine him spitting through his teeth onto the floor.

Elon Musk: 'Fraid not. Beats me why we're still bungling about with chemical rockets when electromagnetism is inherently stronger than gravity and in the long run would save untold resources and...

The official term for negotiations in space is "Spacegotiations"

Commander Shepard: I've had enough of your snide insinuations! (Punches reporter in the face.)

Elon Musk: First of all, I pay the bills around here. Don't you ever interrupt me again. Second...did you...

Musk points an uncertain finger at the good Commander.

Elon Musk: ...did you just SAY parentheses?

Commander Shepard: I'm Commander Shepard and this is my favorite store on the citadel.

Elon Musk: That's...all well and good but we call it a...

Elon graces the conversation with air quotes.

Elon Musk: "Launch Center" and...I mean I guess you're talking about the gift shop? It's not bad. I dunno, it feels kinda cheesy doesn't it? This could very well be the main hub of Space Tourism and all we're selling out there are miniature Eiffel Tower keychains. Now, I don't know what country I'M from, but I don't think John and Jane Q. American Public are ever going to want to-

Commander Shepard: I should go.

Commander Shepard stays rooted in place, his lifeless eyes seeming to stare through Musk. For his part, Musk uncomfortably clears his throat.

Elon Musk: I...yes, I guess that's...I guess that's for the best. Godspeed, Commander.

Commander Shepard's robotic gaze lurches violently to his left...before awkwardly turning his head in the same direction. Jerkily, unnaturally, the rest of his body follows and he strides woodenly away from the filthy rich owner of SpaceX who watches the intrepid pilot depart. He shakes his head.

Elon Musk: I don't know who that was.

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